holy shit, i'm so so fucking sorry. reading this made me feel like i knew him personally, you have such a way with words and it's obvious how much you cared for him. i've been living in pune for a few years and my father committed suicide, so i felt i could relate to a lot of things in this. your friend was a bright bright soul, it's so sad that this world made him feel like he couldn't fit anywhere. it's so admirable how he tried his hardest to work on himself, and took accountability, something which is rare in indian boys this age. this system of coachings and entrances sucks the soul out of smart and kind students. i'm almost in tears right now. i can't imagine how you must feel, losing someone you were so attached to. sometimes the people with the most life and drive in them just end up on the other side of themselves. and we are left behind, to try to repair the void in our beings that they left. i'm so sorry you lost him. i hope he is at peace wherever he is. if you ever want to reach out, please feel free. also a little bit unsolicited advice: i know sometimes, in this nonlinear journey of grief, you will feel angry and resentful and bitter, that they could just leave you like this. it's all valid. he loved you a lot. but you can also be mad at having to journey through life alone. i can't say if it will get easier, but you will exist around the grief. with this loss, i hope you can take care of yourself too. just honour his memory the best you can and he will know he was loved. sending so much love.
I have been trying to find words to respond to this heartfelt note of yours, but I’m failing and perhaps I don’t have the capacity at the moment, but with all warmth in the world - thank you for reading, thank you for feeling what I was trying to convey. I’m terribly sorry about your father. Our loved ones leave us sometimes because they can’t take the pain. In some sense, I understand that in my friend’s case. It’s truly unfair, but such is life. I lost another friend in Feb 2024, so I have felt the way grief never leaves my life, and the way I try to grow around it. I’m just trying to remind myself what you and others have also told me - that grief is non linear. I’ve been trying to pretend and going on about my day but it’s all catching up to me right now in the night. But yes, we have to stay alive. Carry memories. Grow, somehow.
Normally I read one to two paragraphs of large articles because I lose interest, but the way you wrote about him was so beautiful, i couldn't stop. You're an amazing friend, and I hope you got the closure you deserve
Reading about your friend made me feel as if someone had written about me. I could mirror many of his experiences, feeling the same way with the same background as him. I am also a student with my exam a few months later, standing as if everything is being stolen away from me, and I too, quote Sylvia Plath figs tree more often than I should. I want to thank you for writing this because reading this helped me rethink my intentions. Please know that your love will always be cherished by him.
I hope your exams go well, but moreover - I hope you realise that no exam is final, re-routing is not a sign of weakness, and patience is one of the best qualities you can have in this world. Whatever is stolen away will come back to you, in better forms and ways. Keep faith in yourself, all the best, much love.
i lost a friend (it would be wrong to call her "a friend") her to typhoid last to last to last Diwali.. when this post first came up in my feed i delayed it.. saved it but delayed it.. today i thought let's get this over with, it'll be similar to what i often write remembering her.. it will be about my pain of losing her.. but i love this pain the tears that arise from the pain.. i love them.. but.. i was wrong.. SHE IS NOT HEMANSHU, I AM. as i kept on reading i knew how it will end but.. i was realizing i am Hemanshu.. the failures, the experiences, even the interests.. the exploration.. sociology, philosophy and the constant change of ambition just to keep having a "purpose", the growing nihilism, the breaking point, everything.. the only difference... it was his last low.. mine is still waiting.. so the focus now shifted from my pain of losing her to... the pain of people who'll lose me.. the friend who says the same stuff you said to Hemanshu.. to the pain i'll cause her someday.. I realized I have someone.. who'll be in immense pain. Even though I knew from the very start how this post will end, as i kept reading I became more and more invested.. and by the time the para with "yesterday night" started... i turned by face away from the laptop screen.. for quite a bit i just glanced in other directions not looking at anything but just avoiding looking at the screen.. i .. read it and i cried.. there were tears.. not for her or her or myself but for Hemanshu. I'm sorry it looks like "oh listen this .. about me" rather than about consoling you on your loss.. your pain.. but like Hemanshu i also just know being authentic and nothing else so.. i'm sending this.
Wow I didn’t even know what to respond with to this comment for a long while, I’m as moved by your comment as you are from this essay. I’m very sorry for your loss. While I know how deeply painful it must’ve been to read this essay and resonating with it in the way you did, I hope you know that you have a deep impact on everyone in this world that just cannot be ignored. Even at times when you feel alone, you must know that you make a difference, a positive one. Don’t worry how your comment seems, it is completely valid. Loss is universal, but so is love and hope and not giving up.
I am in tears and I'm falling short of words. What to say? I hope he is at peace wherever he is. He must be so proud to have you as his friend. I'm so proud of you. I wish life was easier for him and for you. I wish nobody ever have to go through this!💔
So so so sorry for your loss, Atharva. Hope Hemanshu is resting well wherever he is, I hope he finds peace. I hope you get strength and power to navigate through this loss.
Thank you ira, I’m a subscriber of yours and I really admire your work, I have gone back to your recent essay titled “sorry baby“ multiple times. It’s comforting.
holy shit, i'm so so fucking sorry. reading this made me feel like i knew him personally, you have such a way with words and it's obvious how much you cared for him. i've been living in pune for a few years and my father committed suicide, so i felt i could relate to a lot of things in this. your friend was a bright bright soul, it's so sad that this world made him feel like he couldn't fit anywhere. it's so admirable how he tried his hardest to work on himself, and took accountability, something which is rare in indian boys this age. this system of coachings and entrances sucks the soul out of smart and kind students. i'm almost in tears right now. i can't imagine how you must feel, losing someone you were so attached to. sometimes the people with the most life and drive in them just end up on the other side of themselves. and we are left behind, to try to repair the void in our beings that they left. i'm so sorry you lost him. i hope he is at peace wherever he is. if you ever want to reach out, please feel free. also a little bit unsolicited advice: i know sometimes, in this nonlinear journey of grief, you will feel angry and resentful and bitter, that they could just leave you like this. it's all valid. he loved you a lot. but you can also be mad at having to journey through life alone. i can't say if it will get easier, but you will exist around the grief. with this loss, i hope you can take care of yourself too. just honour his memory the best you can and he will know he was loved. sending so much love.
I have been trying to find words to respond to this heartfelt note of yours, but I’m failing and perhaps I don’t have the capacity at the moment, but with all warmth in the world - thank you for reading, thank you for feeling what I was trying to convey. I’m terribly sorry about your father. Our loved ones leave us sometimes because they can’t take the pain. In some sense, I understand that in my friend’s case. It’s truly unfair, but such is life. I lost another friend in Feb 2024, so I have felt the way grief never leaves my life, and the way I try to grow around it. I’m just trying to remind myself what you and others have also told me - that grief is non linear. I’ve been trying to pretend and going on about my day but it’s all catching up to me right now in the night. But yes, we have to stay alive. Carry memories. Grow, somehow.
He felt alive in these words.
Normally I read one to two paragraphs of large articles because I lose interest, but the way you wrote about him was so beautiful, i couldn't stop. You're an amazing friend, and I hope you got the closure you deserve
I deeply appreciate you reading this piece, thank you. I hope to get closer to closure as time passes
Reading about your friend made me feel as if someone had written about me. I could mirror many of his experiences, feeling the same way with the same background as him. I am also a student with my exam a few months later, standing as if everything is being stolen away from me, and I too, quote Sylvia Plath figs tree more often than I should. I want to thank you for writing this because reading this helped me rethink my intentions. Please know that your love will always be cherished by him.
I hope your exams go well, but moreover - I hope you realise that no exam is final, re-routing is not a sign of weakness, and patience is one of the best qualities you can have in this world. Whatever is stolen away will come back to you, in better forms and ways. Keep faith in yourself, all the best, much love.
I read the whole thing,, i don't have any words to say,, may his soul rest in peace
i lost a friend (it would be wrong to call her "a friend") her to typhoid last to last to last Diwali.. when this post first came up in my feed i delayed it.. saved it but delayed it.. today i thought let's get this over with, it'll be similar to what i often write remembering her.. it will be about my pain of losing her.. but i love this pain the tears that arise from the pain.. i love them.. but.. i was wrong.. SHE IS NOT HEMANSHU, I AM. as i kept on reading i knew how it will end but.. i was realizing i am Hemanshu.. the failures, the experiences, even the interests.. the exploration.. sociology, philosophy and the constant change of ambition just to keep having a "purpose", the growing nihilism, the breaking point, everything.. the only difference... it was his last low.. mine is still waiting.. so the focus now shifted from my pain of losing her to... the pain of people who'll lose me.. the friend who says the same stuff you said to Hemanshu.. to the pain i'll cause her someday.. I realized I have someone.. who'll be in immense pain. Even though I knew from the very start how this post will end, as i kept reading I became more and more invested.. and by the time the para with "yesterday night" started... i turned by face away from the laptop screen.. for quite a bit i just glanced in other directions not looking at anything but just avoiding looking at the screen.. i .. read it and i cried.. there were tears.. not for her or her or myself but for Hemanshu. I'm sorry it looks like "oh listen this .. about me" rather than about consoling you on your loss.. your pain.. but like Hemanshu i also just know being authentic and nothing else so.. i'm sending this.
Wow I didn’t even know what to respond with to this comment for a long while, I’m as moved by your comment as you are from this essay. I’m very sorry for your loss. While I know how deeply painful it must’ve been to read this essay and resonating with it in the way you did, I hope you know that you have a deep impact on everyone in this world that just cannot be ignored. Even at times when you feel alone, you must know that you make a difference, a positive one. Don’t worry how your comment seems, it is completely valid. Loss is universal, but so is love and hope and not giving up.
Thank you for the piece.. thank you for replying with such kind words.. thank you for understanding and..
This too will pass.. hold on..
may he be at peace and has let god know that he has won
And he lives on…
I am in tears and I'm falling short of words. What to say? I hope he is at peace wherever he is. He must be so proud to have you as his friend. I'm so proud of you. I wish life was easier for him and for you. I wish nobody ever have to go through this!💔
So so so sorry for your loss, Atharva. Hope Hemanshu is resting well wherever he is, I hope he finds peace. I hope you get strength and power to navigate through this loss.
Rest in peace hemanshu, other people were indeed the problem and not you
This made me really sad, another young life lost to social systems, caste, angst, lack of opportunities, masculinity.
I hope he finds peace and that you are given the power to get over this devastating loss.
Jai Bheem💙🦋
That’s truly how I feel about losing him. Thank you for your kind words 💌✊🏻
Jai bheem.
Gorgeous, gorgeous piece. The familiarity of it all was the scariest part. Please take care of yourself🩷
Take care, thank you very much for reading. 💌✊🏻
losing a friend is never easy reast in peace hemanshu sending u love
Thank you ira, I’m a subscriber of yours and I really admire your work, I have gone back to your recent essay titled “sorry baby“ multiple times. It’s comforting.
Dear Atharv , this made me cry. I literally imagined your whole story “heart-wrenching”
I don't have words, just stay strong .
take care, sending love 💌✊🏻
You're a good friend, I'm sorry. May peace find you both.